Monday, August 5, 2013

Today I learned - "When I Came Out..."

Today I learned..
That even now.. I'm still struggling to find the strength to keep my spirits up and share a little more of who I am as a person to my parents. Today seems like a day when one of my identities - my sexual orientation, came on the spotlight between my mom, and a friend who asked about it today.

To put some prospective on the situation, I identify as bisexual. I'm attracted to really whoever I feel attracted to, I guess the technical term would be pansexual, but I'm not here to be technical - I'm here to share with those willing to listen. I also want to point out that identifying as bi doesn't sum up my life in so many words and ideas that pop into mind. There are other identities that make up who I am, that I embrace, and I recognize have advantages when I'm at the right place, at the right time.

But today.. my sexual orientation came on the spotlight, my personal spotlight. It wasn't negative, and if anything it was reassuring, and hopeful. Yesterday my mum asked if I wanted to accompany her to her work to say hello to some of my former supervisors and bosses. I used to work as an intern at the company she works at during the summers. I was delighted to visit the friends I made at work, and say hello before I needed to leave my family and end my vacation. Along the drive to work I was talking with my mum, and the topic of one of my sisters came up - my mum's been stressed about my sister's behavior as of late.

At some point in the conversation I talked about a real close friend who I plan on visiting later in the week, and I told my mum my friend's story. My friend identifies as bisexual, and at that point in the conversation my mum surprised me and said my sister also identified as bi. Hearing it come from my mum was a surprise, I thought she hadn't known yet, and I tried not to get defensive - my first instinct.. but my mum surprised me yet again. She told me she didn't mind my sister being bi, my mum wouldn't be happy, but she told me there are much more dire things to worry about with my sister's well being. I felt relieved, and even hopeful because in the past I would often argue to no end with my mum about identifying as bi.

Today I learned.. my mum has been changing, and though we grew up in a very strict culture she's been opening up.. and she's been receptive to her children's needs.

Later in the day I was browsing around after a day of errands with my partner, and I found a tumblr page I thought captures the raw essence of living with insecurity and fear of living with self and sexual orientation.

I know this is a sensitive topic for y'all and if your first immediate reaction was a mixture of repulsion, or hostility I'd like to ask you to pause and think, "Why did I react like that? What have I been taught to believe that doesn't match up here?" For those of you who feel like venting, the blog I hold is an open forum, and is not a safe place to post. If you're hesitant, or unsure about who you are, please don't feel compelled to post, but if you do post I will read it with an open mind and without judgement - I'll do my best, not judging someone is hard, so cut me some slack!

Like I mentioned earlier, I found this nifty site on tumblr! :D
When I Came Out...



  1. Good for you, Val! Keep your spirits up and stay strong, because things only get better from here. Your family knows that you're an amazing girl, and they support you every step of the way. I don't even need to get started on your partner - because it's obvious she's seen how amazing you are!

    It's wonderful to hear that your mom is starting to open up. Our parents' generation was not one that is as open, caring, and loving towards those who aren't heterosexual. It's amazing that all your family members and those close to you are opening up, and embracing everything with open arms.

    Love is love, no matter what two people share it. The feelings that two hearts can have for each other, that two people can have for each other, that is not bound by gender, race, age, or anything else. Let life take you where it does, and enjoy the ride. Take the path less travelled, be your own person, and don't let others tell you who you are.

    You inspire me, Val. You inspire me to be myself and to never pretend to be someone else. That true love really does exist in the world, and that people can always change for the better.

    Stay strong, you're a great girl.

    -A friend who cares.

    1. It can be tough at times, yeah..? I know it's best to stay hopeful, and I can confidently say I have a lot of people in life that I love, and love me back. Though at times I feel like I need my downtime because that's part of life sometimes. Sometimes I feel like breaking down, and other days I feel great about myself, but I always do my best to remember I am who I grew up to me, and the best thing to do is just that - to do my best and manage with what I have at hand. I really appreciate the comment, thank you for that. :)

    2. Everyone's life has ups and downs, and cliche as it sounds, it's not about what's at the top of the mountain, it's about how you get there. Everybody has those bad days where they just want to lock themselves into their room and cry. Heck, I had one just a few days ago.

      No matter where you go, no matter if you believe in god and fate or not, know that you're where you were meant to be. You were meant to be who you are, and you should be able to stand up, look back, and smile at how far you've come.

      And you really should be proud.

      I'll always be here for you. Even if you don't know who I am. ;]

  2. Time to add my two cents.

    Why would somebody ever be repulsed by a person liking the opposite sex? Love is love, and that can be love. What young, and some old people think of as romantic love has nothing to do with true love. That's just lust and infatuation.

    True love is how you stick by your partner, how your husband or wife is by your side whether you hate them, love them, are angry at them, or are thrilled with them.

    Over the long run, people can change. Things that brought you together may not be there anymore. Both of you like playing Maplestory? Cool. In 10 years, one of you might hate it. But the thing that keeps you together is how much you love each other.

    And that type of love knows no boundaries. It can be from a man to a woman, a man to a man, or a woman to a woman. It doesn't matter at all. True love is a crazy ride, it'll be a good time, a bad time, it'll be all sorts of times. You just need to hang on for the ride.

    This so got off topic. Whoo.


    1. Hi there, thanks for the comment!
      As far as I see with repulsion against intimate relationships that are not heterosexual, I think it is fairly easy to come up with a whole host of reasons people bring up when I've asked "What do you think about [X]?"

      I don't hold it against someone when they tell me they think liking, or feeling attracted to someone of the same sex is wrong on multiple counts (morally, ethically, socially, culturally, etc.). The way I see it.. a reason is something someone has rationalized and accepted, it's an idea a person uses to convince self into either believing or acknowledging. Sometimes rationalizing is good enough for most people, to have a reason to embrace an idea, a notion, a way of doing things if it works for them - especially out of convenience.

      I notice friction between another person and I when I present something that doesn't quite match up with what they believe, something that seems "off" to them - that isn't reasonably consistent with their ideas, and beliefs, their reasoning. I think it takes quite a lot of to convince self to change the way they see the world works to acknowledge a different way of living - a different lifestyle than their own on a level where they recognize and embrace the differences. I'm no exception, when I used to meet with some of my LGBT friends, I often felt friction even within our group when it came to building solidarity and reconciling our differences to work together for something much bigger than our own little worlds and experiences.

      As far as I know.. I can see why many people are repulsed by the idea of an intimate relationship that isn't consistent with their beliefs, beliefs close to their core being. That doesn't absolve anyone of a responsibility to learn about people that are just plain different from self though. :o

      I do agree that love is not exactly something defined by affection, physical intimacy, or even attraction. To me love has developed into something that I grew to feel for someone that I appreciate for having recognized our differences and is willing to maintain our relationships. I feel happy knowing our differences don't have to be used to draw a line between me and another person, and if anything knowing someone who knows how to use our differences to make a fulfilling relationship happen.

      Thanks again for sharing!